Imposter Syndrome *Adult Language*

 So, I don't have imposter syndrome when it comes to this blog, because I'm mostly doing it to keep track of myself. Kind of like a diary, I guess, but it wouldn't hurt to end up monetizing. I do have imposter syndrome about selling Tupperware (which I haven't done since like 2021, I think) and my mental health issues. I say "issues" because I don't like the word "ill". I pair "ill" with fevers and obvious outward symptoms, which I don't always show.

I also start a lot of my personal entries with, "So". Ha ha ha ha. Like I said, I write because it just comes to me, and the words just start flowing. My ink and paper entries are so random in dates, and each entry is made up of scattered thoughts. My handwriting style looks like eleven-teen different people wrote in consecutive order in the same pen. It's funny, really, but sometimes I don't even recognize my own writing!

Anyways, back to my imposter syndrome. I feel like an imposter when it comes to Tupperware because, obviously, I haven't sold it in, like, forever, but also because I feel so imposing and desperate asking people to buy it. Maybe it's because I hit up my family so hard? I don't know. I tried the asking-random-people thing with no success. I just don't understand how people sell stuff so much and so fast?! Like, I understand that Tupperware basically sells itself in quality and the warranty, but where the hell are the people who value the quality and warranty in my area?!!! I thought about giving one more try, but I just don't think it's in me. Really really, I don't see myself advancing in the Tupperware world.

My other point of imposter syndrome is my mental "affliction". Ha ha, that sounds so Victorian. So, as I was saying, my mental alphabet-soup-of-diagnoses is real enough. The panic attacks that range from hyperventilation to just zoning out, the physical pain, emotional rollercoasters, appetite changes, endless sleep, insomnia, hypo/hyper-mania...it's a long list. I was denied benefits by federal disability guidelines, but then again, they claim they didn't have information about my hospitalization last year for mental health reasons. I submitted an appeal to the denial about 3 months later, because they basically said not to even try without new information. So, I chose not to appeal and keep getting benefits through my old job (the one that "broke" me). 

A few months later I found myself denied benefits through my old job, with the appeal there having no resolution any time soon. So, I decided I had to try and go back to work. The first job I bombed out of was a freaking door greeter at Wally World. Freaking. Door greeter. I couldn't do it. I started getting really anxious and I even had a hyperventilating panic attack AT the store. In front of the general manager. I scared him. The second job I bombed out of was at Target. This was a fun job, but caused me panic attacks still, and I was so bummed and disappointed when I got fired that I cried. 

So, I tried. I tried to be part of the work force, but it just wasn't my time to shine. My sisters send me job opportunity links and I just freeze and panic. I am truly afraid of working, even though my dad taught us that working is how you succeed in life. I am not afraid of the work, I am afraid of failing at the work. I don't know how to explain it without sounding like a total loser. And the worst thing, is I want to work. I want to have all the things. I want to have the money and the house and cars. I just can't get out of my own head.