What am I doing? *Adult language*

I don't know what I'm doing. With all the sincerity and honesty in my heart: I have no earthly, or otherwise, clue what the fuck I'm doing with my life, in my life, or for my life. If that makes sense. 

I'm a little bit stressed, and a lot a bit blessed.

I'm stressed out about my federal disability case, but I am realizing more that I shouldn't have been denied in the first place. They said they didn't have information about my hospitalization, which is simply not true, because I know I put that in the application. Now I'm struggling to make ends meet while still struggling with my hyper/hypo manias from my bipolar disorder. I mean, I'm spending within my limit, but I'm spending money I should be saving for when I'm not being paid by my disability claim from work.

I've been blessed, nonetheless. Blessed to still have an income, even though I don't know if I'm going to get it that month or not. Blessed to have my children healthy. Blessed to have Jay's health improving. Blessed to have a home, a working car, and phones.

Blessed to have a life to fight for, even when it's the hardest thing I do, period.

My little family has gone through so much to have what little we do have, and I thank my stars and moon and sun for all the blessings we have received. I take time to listen to my family with my eyes, and to see them with my ears. I feel the love between us, like strings on the violin I no longer play. They know I love them, and they know I know. I call them and they say, "What? You love me? Is that what you were gonna say, Mama?" "Yes, my little bucket of love. I was going to say, 'I love you.'"

I know they know I love them, because they enthusiastically tell me how school was, and what they did. Because they run to the car when I go pick them up after school. Because they still snuggle with me and hug me tight. Because they tell me what's wrong at the moment. Because they trust me enough to find me when they're blue or bored or excited.

But do they know if I love me? I don't know, because I don't even know if I truly love me. How can I freely love a self that has so many mental health issues? How do I love a self that sometimes struggles with taking a shower daily? A self that struggles to, or doesn't, wake up for her kids when they need her? A self that sees her sick partner struggling to keep the household somewhat clean? A self whose brain sometimes forgets it needs to be present?

How do I love Myself when I struggle to do the basics? How do I get myself to do the things she needs to do in order to find normalcy in her life? Because the "normal" that's going on now is a bunch of bullshit. Plain and clear, this chapter in my life sucks cactus ass, and can just close out so I can move on to living and being able to work so we can buy a house and settle down in our own place.

So, I'm on the hunt for a new therapist, keeping on with my medications, and trying to wake up and do the mom things I need to do. If I'm not able to get it together consistently, I'll probably have to go back to the hospital for another stay in attempt to "balance" me out again.